mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
