2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dear god my vagina.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
