theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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