did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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