Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
