i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I smell like Dick and happiness
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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