she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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