remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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