dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
