I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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