super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
