I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Bring me that man meat
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
