He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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