if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
