i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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