I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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