I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
