i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
