I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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