Im just a social blackout drinker.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
