Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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