so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I supernannyed him into submission
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
