i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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