..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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