I wish I could teleport
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
