I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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