I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
