I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
