New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
