Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
