i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
