She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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