i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
