Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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