your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Randomize
