Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The adults are the big ones right?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
