Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Randomize
