happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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