Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
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