When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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