Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
