I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize