Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
