She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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