It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
