Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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