She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
