I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize