You just made me feel so damn special
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Couch. On fire.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
