I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
