not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
