I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
