life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
