kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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