I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
