how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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