I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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