Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
