Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
