i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
