u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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