It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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