I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize