Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
