You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
