mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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